Emotional Cancer

Today world is remembering today's day as World Cancer Day. Most of you who are reading about this must be having some emotional connection or someone you know who is or was fighting cancer at some point in life. For me it was a transformational journey. I suffered emotional cancer. 

I know, medical science identifies no diease as such, but when cancer has taken over someone beloved you are affected by it.  I was! My world turned upside down. 

 

I was working in Ahmedabad, my first job and first time that I was away from home. My mother was the force behind my lone survival in the new city. In would often call her and say, "you don't love me, that's why you have just let me be here alone." I accused her for my initial hiccups to adjust in a new place. Calm and composed like always she never got angry at me. She never lost her faith, she knew it was just matter of time that I'd adjust in the new city and things will get rolling. And so it was. I blended with new people, new routine and enjoyed it all. Every month for few days i'd make a trip to Bhopal (my hometown) with bags full of stuff for everyone in the family. She always insisted that I let others choose and not specify who gets what. She'd be the last one to pick, without  a frown on her face. 

As months progressed she was happy with the way things were and was planning a trip with her colleagues and relatives to Gujarat. Unfortunately God had some other plans. 

It was the month of May 2012, I got a call from my brother that mumma wasn't well. She was admitted into the hospital. I freaked out asking what happened, they said food poisoning, heat stroke may be. I couldn't hold myself any longer, I immediately booked my tickets and headed to Bhopal. She lay on the hospital bed. She had been rarely on that side of the patient room. She was always the attendant, caring for the sick. I was worried but she smiled warmly, consoling me she was fine. 

When I asked for the detaild, my cousin informed me that my mother had suffered fits. Doctors considered it a heat stroke, food poisoning. She felt fine after a day or two at the hospital. She returned home and I stayed with her for two- three days and returned back to Ahmedabad. 

Fifteen days went by, I'd ask her about her health and she'd say she is feeling fine, consulting specialists. Getting some scans done. I didn't understand the gravity of the matter until one day she informed me over the phone that there was a tennis ball sized tumor in her brain. I was numb.. She was brave, she said nothing to worry, the treatment is going on. I will be fine. Like always I had no doubts on her expertise. Though I was worried, I didn't have the slightest hint of the tsunami that was approaching my life with silent feet. 

Two days later, my brother called and said come home immediately, mother in the hospital. Things don't look good. I packed my bags and rushed. Unaware that I would never come back to the same place, same job again. 

When I reached home, the doctors had already conducted a mantos test for tuberculosis, which was negative. The top neurosurgeon said, they'd treat her with tuberculosis medicines for a month and repeat the tests again. At this my cousin questioned the doctor, how can he just try a treatment? Should we not do an advanced test if available to have a clarity of the illness and then move ahead with the treatment. It was due to her intervention, an advance test was done. 

The reports came by evening. We all hoped it was a non malignant tumor (non-cancerous). Tuberculosis was still cureable. The family doctor visited in the evening. We asked him the report results. As he read the report his expression changed. My mother was looking at him with anxious eyes. He said nothing to worry. It's non malignant. My mother felt relieved. He walked out of the room. I followed him, he said to me with a plain face." It's malignant beta. I didn't want to the news in front of your mother. " My world came crashing. Tears rolled out of my eyes. Doctor then said it's just a test, we'd need a surgery and histopathology report to confirm it. 

I was clueless, devastated. I didn't know what to do, where to go and how could I save my mother. We were fortunate that my dad's cousin brother lived in Mumbai and had stepped up to help us with our mother's treatment. We took the next day's flight and reached Mumbai.  My uncle toiled day in and day out to consult right doctors and get the surgery done as soon as possible. My mother knew that she was suffering from brain cancer, and given her medical background, she was reluctant to undergo the knife, I remember her words " If you trim cancer, it will multiply with double speed "  She had to give in the family pressure.  She was operated on 12th May 2012 at Hinduja hospital. I remember walking from one testing point to another with my mother seated on a wheelchair in the hospital. They had done all the tests. Surgeon gave us a heads up that he'd not be able to extract all the cancer cells as it may leave certain organs controlled by the brain to malfunction or worse paralysis. 

That night she was in ICU. Semi conscious, calling out our names 'Bharat... Tanu... Bohot dard ho raha hai. It was heart wrenching, we sobbed and we prayed for a miracle. We wished the histopathology reports gives us some ray of hope. 

When your life is in turbulence, God sends you support. We got support in form of my uncle who made us feel at home in a new city and my masi (aunt) who stayed with us leaving behind her family and job to support us and give the much needed strength to her sister fighting this tough battle. 

A week passed by, my mother was on heavy medicines, but the sight of surgery was healing. We were still waiting for the reports. Everyday I'd run away from the hospital before it was evening. I didn't have the strength to face the report. My masi stayed back with my mom for the entire period. Until one day when she had something urgent to attend and I agreed to stay back at the hospital with my mom. I kept looking at the clock. The clock struck 7 and I took a breathe of relief, usually beyond 7 pm I hadn't seen doctors visiting. I was in a casual conversation with my mother, when doctor's assistant called me out of the room. 

She handed over the reports and said 'it's cancer, grade 4' the last stage of cancer

My worst nightmare was right there in my face. She placed her hand on my shoulder and pacified me. I went inside the room and with all my strength told her the results. I didn't shed a tear, I maintained my calm. Though my heart was weeping, I tried my best to display a will power that we'd fight it out. My mother displayed far more bravery. Not a tear, not a frown, but I know she had seen the sand from life clock running out fast. 

To be continued...